Furc Festival: Character Background story

[danielee]

Hey everyone! I'm entering in the Furc Festival Character Background Story, and I want EVERYONE that visits this, to read it, and give me some opinions and how to add and improve. Don't be hestitant to make it really critical, and 'hurt my feelings'. You won't, I need all the opinions I can get. I want this to be good, so I can win something and donate it to FSF for future things. Thanks!


A first glance predicts great potential; with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet oh so refined build. Tread now across the neglected bay coat, tangled ebony mane and sharp ribcage; hidden under a mask of rarity beholds a beauty in anything but the typical sense. Her markings are teeth, enveloping all things pure and whole. Her eyes like a magnet, dragging living souls into a golden-brown chasm of torment, malice and anguish. Scars, some pink and others faded, dwell across a once wholesome coat-- the most noticeable of all above her right eye. Sharp and craggy, it tapers into those merciless, sinister abysses, long past empathy and forgiveness.

This Akhal-Teke mare looked battered, in the least to say. Scars scattered across her body, like that of the stripes that draped across her back, and down to her sides to give her that rare, but beautiful brindle coloration. Born in the outskirts of even the country area, this mare was born into what seemed a good home, and dubbed Itztli. That is, until she was raised to fight against other mares, and even geldings, and stallions, thus in what resulted in the scars that covered her once beautiful coat.

Finally getting away from all the mess and the chaos of the fighting world, this mare found herself out in the wild. Not knowing how to survive, she found herself struggling to survive out in the real world. Though it was better than the life she was used to, she was trying to find her true meaning in life. The “Obsidian Knife” was on her way.





Thanks,

Winnie.

[Wyndlily Sharphowl]

First: make the entire thing past tense. You're bouncing around a little bit from tense to tense, and past tense is the easiest to write in, and is very easy on the reader.

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A first glance predicted great potential; with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet oh so refined build.

The "oh so" is presumptuous and not something you would find in professional writing. Avoid it.

Tread now across the neglected bay coat, tangled ebony mane and sharp ribcage; hidden under a mask of rarity beholds a beauty in anything but the typical sense. Her markings are like teeth, enveloping all things pure and whole.

The first time I read the second line I thought to myself "wtf, she has teeth for markings? This tendency is common in Furcadia descriptions, where you are dealing with a small amount of space and are trying to cram in a lot of features, but it doesn't make sense there, either.

Anyway, I would add another sentence describing the markings, or change the sentence entirely. I have absolutely no visual image as to what these markings are supposed to look like. I guess they're white and pointy, but I don't really "get it".

Her eyes were like a magnet, dragging living souls into a golden-brown chasm of torment, malice and anguish. Scars, some pink and others faded, dwell across a once wholesome coat -- the most noticeable of all above her right eye. Sharp and craggy, it tapers into those merciless, sinister abysses, long past empathy and forgiveness.

I get that you're trying to build emotion, but this whole bit is pretty melodramatic. You are going to need a really impressive and -very descriptive- backstory to justify using language like this. In this paragraph and the next, you are moving beyond emotions that animals are capable of having and entering human territory. This means you either need to give her more human like characteristics (speech or telepathy, human-grade intelligence, etc.) or back off on some of the emotion.

This Akhal-Teke mare looked battered, in the least to say to say the least.

"in the least to say" doesn't really make much sense, or flow. Alternatively you could change this sentence around and say something like "An understatement at best, this Akhal-Teke mare looked battered." Up to you.

Scars were scattered across her body, like that of the stripes that draped across her back, and down to her sides to give her that rare, but beautiful brindle coloration.

We've got redundancy going on here. You already discussed the scars in the last paragraph. Either discuss them in the first paragraph or discuss them here -- pick one. I'd probably focus on the unusual brindle coloration here and ditch the scars. The brindle color is a "big deal" with her. Describe the brindle coloration well; many people don't realize horses can be brindle and may not know what it looks like.

Born in the outskirts of even the country area, this mare was born into what seemed a good home, and dubbed Itztli.

The first part that I put in bold makes no sense. This whole piece is what you need to super-elaborate on to make your backstory. She's an Akhal-Teke, are you sure you want her born in the country? Maybe the desert would be more exotic. Was she born into a a rich stable and sold for a fortune, or born to a plain-jane mare and stolen for her unusual coloring? What's the reasoning behind her name; who named her? This will give you at least 2-3 paragraphs.

That is, until she was raised to fight against other mares, and even geldings, and stallions, thus in what resulted in the scars that covered her once beautiful coat.

Again... ditch this sentence and elaborate on this for one/two paragraphs. Who raised her to do this? Why? What's the point? For entertainment? Horses typically aren't a fighting animal, so you're going to have to really convince the reader as to why anyone would want to force prey animals to fight each other. Not saying it can't be done, just saying you've gotta explain yourself well.

Finally getting away from all the mess and the chaos of the fighting world,

How?!?

this mare found herself out in the wild. Not knowing how to survive, she found herself struggling to survive out in the real world.

How does she get along with horses considering she used to beat the crap out of them? Does she perhaps form an alliance with a different species? (THAT would be interesting.)

Though it was better than the life she was used to, she was trying to find her true meaning in life. The “Obsidian Knife” was on her way.

Where did the nickname come from? What sort of a "true meaning" does a horse have? Again, that's part of the problem of having a feral character. If she's super intelligent, does she want revenge on those who forced her to fight against her will? Or something else?

[danielee]

Thanks, Wynd! I've edited it, and here is the most recent copy. :

A first glance predicted great potential; with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet refined build. Tread now across the neglected bay coat, tangled ebony mane and sharp ribcage; hidden under a mask of rarity beholds a beauty in anything but the typical sense. Her markings are like teeth, enveloping all things pure and whole. Her eyes were like a magnet, dragging living souls into a golden-brown chasm of torment, malice and anguish. Scars, some pink and others faded, dwell across a once wholesome coat-- the most noticeable of all above her right eye. Sharp and craggy, it tapers into those merciless, sinister abysses, long past empathy and forgiveness.

To say this Akhal-Teke mare is battered, would be an understatement. Scars were scattered across her body, like that of the stripes that draped across her back, and down to her sides to give her that rare, but beautiful brindle coloration. Brindle is a rare color among equines, or horses. Brindle can be seen in any color, and is like acid rain. Not dangerous, obviously, however it looks like the rain turned the equine a different color as it dripped down her sides. Instead of darker, however, it was lighter, almost a silverish color on her dark brown coat.

This mare was born in the desert, and was owned by the most well known man there. Though, little did the man know, he was being watched, and soon after was the mare born, she was stolen by this man. Once she got to his place, she was named Itztli, meaning Obsidian Knife, as she needed a fierce name for her “job”. Now this job is illegal in many countries, though some people are still known to do it. Horse-fighting was this job and this is where her scars came in, from the fights. As the hooves beat down on her, and the teeth sunk into her frame, each one left a painful memory.

Finally getting away from all the mess and the chaos of the fighting world as she escaped one night before ‘the big match’, this mare found herself out in the wild, and steering clear from other equines, not wanting her new found ‘instincts’ make her attack without warning. Not knowing how to survive, she found herself struggling to survive out in the real world. Though it was better than the life she was used to, she was trying to find her true meaning in life. The “Obsidian Knife” was on her way.

[Wyndlily Sharphowl]

First: Split each one of these paragraphs in half. Shorter paragraphs = easier on the reader.

"A first glance predicted great potential; with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet refined build."

This sentence's structure doesn't make sense. The semi-colon is useless, but the sentence doesn't really work with or without it.

"Tread now across the neglected bay coat, tangled ebony mane and sharp ribcage; hidden under a mask of rarity beholds a beauty in anything but the typical sense. Her markings are like teeth, enveloping all things pure and whole."

STOP! Do you realize that no where in this entire first paragraph do you mention WHAT ANIMAL we are looking at? Remember, 95% of the entries are going to be anthro/furre. Focus less on the dramatic, fancy words and instead focus on the simple stuff. It's a horse. It's a feral horse. It sort of resembles a [pick a breed type people know: arabian, thoroughbred, draft, pony]. I would focus on body type and THEN get to the unusual coloring and scars.

"Her eyes were like a magnet, dragging living souls into a golden-brown chasm of torment, malice and anguish. Scars, some pink and others faded, dwell across a once wholesome coat-- the most noticeable of all above her right eye. Sharp and craggy, it tapers into those merciless, sinister abysses, long past empathy and forgiveness."

Psst, does that scar make her blind? Because it seems to me like it should. If so, mention that. If not... uh, I think it might be a good idea, it'll add character.

"To say this Akhal-Teke mare was battered, would be an understatement."

Note change to past tense in this statement. I eliminated the comma; it had no purpose.

"Scars were scattered across her body, like that of the stripes that draped across her back, and down to her sides to give her that rare, but beautiful brindle coloration."

This sentence is very confusing. Don't explain scars and coloring in the same sentence. I would change this to something like: '"Scars were scattered across her body, like that of the Thin stripes that draped* across her back, and down to her sides to give her that a rare, but beautiful brindle coloration.' *=change "draped" to a different synonym; it doesn't really work here. I would also change "beautiful" since it is so cliche. Even "stunning" would be better, but you can pick whatever you want.

"Brindle is a rare color among equines, or horses. Brindle can be seen in any color, and is like acid rain. Not dangerous, obviously, however it looks like the rain turned the equine a different color as it dripped down her sides. Instead of darker, however, it was lighter, almost a silverish color on her dark brown coat."

This doesn't mesh well at all. You took "explain to the reader" a little too literally. You called it rare in the last sentence, so this first sentence is useless. HOWEVER, the "acid rain" anology is super! Perhaps you could include a sentence like, "The pale stripes that crossed most of her body looked like the residual effects of acid rain; it was as if bleach had fallen from the sky and highlighted thin streaks of her coat."

"This mare was born in the desert, and was owned by the most well known man there."

BAH, humbug. Elaborate more. Which desert? Name it. Make up a name. What is it near? Come up with a name for this well-known man. What does he do? Why does everyone know him?

"Though, little did the man know, he was being watched, and soon after was the mare born, she was stolen by this man."

Again, elaborate. Why was she stolen? Name this bad guy. Also, she probably wouldn't be stolen -super- young, since nursing foals is a big pain in the ass. So perhaps she was stolen from the herd as a yearling? Think about this stuff and add it to the story.

"Once she got to his place,"

"his place" is way too informal. Cabin? Tent? I'm imagining this horse thief as an outlaw (typically horse thieves in the desert WERE outlaws) so tent/campsite would probably be believable.

"she was named Itztli, meaning Obsidian Knife, as she needed a fierce name for her “job”."

Explain the job before you explain the name. It will make more sense that way. Also, in what language does "Itztli" translate to "obsidian knife" (which does not need to be capitalized)? Even if you have to make one up, you need to tell us what language it is.

"Now this job is illegal in many countries, though some people are still known to do it. Horse-fighting was this job and this is where her scars came in, from the fights."

Make this more dramatic and elaborate on it. There must be an underground scene for this, right? Where does it take place? Horses are big, so there must be enough room to do it. How is it funded? What's the audience? For "inspiration" you might want to research dog fighting a little bit. Dog fighting: typically happens in inner cities, popular with gang members and young men who want to seem "tough", funded with gang and drug money, lots of ties to drugs and violence. Horse fighting would probably be similar in many ways.

"As the hooves beat down on her, and the teeth sunk into her frame, each one left a painful memory."

"Finally getting away from all the mess and the chaos of the fighting world as she escaped one night before ‘the big match’,"

HOW did she escape? Elaboraaaaate! -screams-

" this mare found herself out in the wild, and steering clear from other equines, not wanting her new found ‘instincts’ make her attack without warning."

You've contradicted yourself in one sentence, haha. If this is truly "instinct", she is not going to be aware that she has it and thus would not go out of her way to avoid doing things that trigger her instinct. But anyway -- this isn't "instinct", this is *learned behavior*. Learned behavior fades when it is not practiced or reinforced... something to consider.

How does she avoid other horses? As a prey animal, how does she defend herself if she is all alone? If she had been forced to fight other horses, it is probable that, with no humans around to force her to do things, she would probably be 'okay' with other horses... not great, probably a little socially awkward, but wouldn't beat the crap out of them anyway (especially because she is a prey animal).

"Not knowing how to survive, she found herself struggling to survive out in the real world."

What precisely is hard about the real world? Remember, it is WAY easier for a prey animal in the wild than for a predator. Prey animals are surrounded by food most of the time... just stop and eat. The hard part would probably be defense from predators -- but again, you need to explain that.

"Though it was better than the life she was used to, she was trying to find her true meaning in life."

Seriously... what is a horse's true meaning in life? To be fat and happy, and hopefully make babies. I think the correct 'angle' for Itzli would probably be this: overcome her social retardation, resist the urge to fight at the drop of a hat, and join a wild herd of horses. So say that.

"The “Obsidian Knife” was on her way."

[motley]

"A first glance predicted great potential; with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet refined build."

Doesn't really make sense. Try:

"A first glance predicts great potential, with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet refined build."

This is the only one I'm not sure of, as the entire sentence seems a little off. (But predicted was past tense while the entirety of that paragraph was present tense.) Don't use a semicolon because you use those when you join two independent clauses together. "With a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet refined build" isn't an independent clause because it can't be a sentence by itself.

--

"Her eyes are like a magnets, dragging living souls into a golden-brown chasms of torment, malice and anguish."

This sentence is the only past-tense one in the entire paragraph, so change the "were" to "are" to have the tenses agree. In addition, "eyes" are plural, so "magnets" should be too -- as well as "golden brown chasms", which describe her eyes.

--

"Brindle is a rare coat pattern found among equines, or horses animals; it can be seen in any color, and resembles acid rain."

Brindle is a color pattern, not a color. It can be found in many other animals, although it's rarer for horses. (Also, as Wynd said, you've explained in prior sentences that it's rare.) If you start two sentences in a row with "Brindle" it sounds repetitive, so combining them is a good option.

--

"Instead of darker, however, it was lighter, -- almost a silverish color on her dark brown coat."

Minor adjustment because this sentence would flow better without three commas put so close together. Silverish, although used often, isn't an actual word. Just "silver" would be better. You've used "color" four times in that paragraph and "coloration" once, so it would be better to use a synonym for this sentence. "silver hue" works.

--

"This mare was born in the desert, and was owned by the most well known man there. Though, little did the man know But little did her owner know that he was being watched -- and soon after was the mare the mare was born, she was stolen by this man."

"Soon after was the mare born" seems to be a typo. Also, like Wynd said, elaborate on her owner and the horse thief. Also, the second sentence seems to go on... and on... and on... so I shortened it.

--

"Once she was taken to his place, she was named dubbed Itztli, meaning obsidian knife, as she needed a fierce name for her “job.”"

"Got to" sounds a bit too juvenile. And, like Wynd said, change "his place" to "cabin, tent", etc., and put the language that Itztli means obsidian knife in. (Small nitpick - the period needs to be inside the quotation marks, not outside for the word "job.") Also, "name" is used twice in that sentence and it doesn't sound right, so it'd be best to replace it with a synonym.

--

"Nowadays this job operation is illegal in many countries, though some people are still known to do it take part in it. Horse-fighting was this job and where her scars came in, from the fights from -- the fights. As the hooves beat down on her, and the teeth sunk into her frame, each one left a painful memory."

Changing "Now" to "Nowadays" isn't necessary, but I thought it made the sentence sound better xD; Horse-fighting is more of an operation than a "job" -- people aren't the ones fighting -- hence the changed words. "Some people are still known to do it" also sounds like the people are the ones doing the job.

--

"Finally getting away from all the mess and the chaos of the fighting world as she escaped one night before ‘the big match’, this mare found herself out in the wild, and steering clear from other equines, not wanting her new found ‘instincts’ make her attack without warning."

This sentence also goes on and on to the point of becoming monotonous due to excess usage of commas. It also doesn't make sense because everything is past tense except for 'steering.' Try:

"She escaped one night before 'the big match', finally getting away from all the mess and the chaos of the fighting world. This mare found herself out in the wild and steered clear from other equines, not wanting her new found ‘instincts’ make her attack without warning."

Also, I would say something about the instincts thing, but Wynd already said it. xD

--

"Not knowing how to survive, she found herself struggling to survive out in the real world."

You've already told us that she doesn't know how to survive in the first part of the sentence.

--

That's all. Hope this helps! ^^ (Yeah, if I've made any errors in correcting, please don't hesitate to tell me that xD)

[danielee]

Thanks everyone for the corrections. For the desert name, I'm not sure what to name it, so if y'all want to throw some ideas at me, go for it. As for a name for the owner, I'm not sure, as for why he was well-known. kind of drawing blanks here. Here is the newly addition now. Some of it may not make sense, as I kept flipping back and forth between windows to add/remove things.

Enjoy!

A first glance predicted great potential in a variety of disciplines with a unique display of coloration and a subtle yet refined build on this equine. Tread now across the neglected bay coat, tangled ebony mane and sharp ribcage; hidden under a mask of rarity beholds a beauty in anything but the typical sense. Her markings were like teeth, enveloping all things pure and whole. Her eyes were like magnets, dragging living souls into a golden-brown chasm of torment, malice and anguish. Scars, some pink and others faded, dwell across a once wholesome coat-- the most noticeable of all above her right eye. This scar blurred her vision to make it look like rain on a windshield. Sharp and craggy, it tapers into those merciless, sinister abysses, long past empathy and forgiveness.

To say this Akhal-Teke mare was battered would be an understatement. Thin stripes laid across her back and down her sides to give her that rare, but stunning brindle coloration. Brindle can be seen in any color, and is like acid rain. Not dangerous, obviously, however it looks like the rain turned the equine a different color as it dripped down her sides. Instead of darker, however, it was lighter, almost a silver hue on her dark brown coat.

This mare was born in the desert, and was owned by the most well known man there. But little did the man know, he was being watched, and soon after was the filly weaned, and with the yearling herd, she was stolen by this man, named Coatl, meaning Snake in the Aztec language. Now the reason Coatl stole her, was for his well known operation, one in which was very underground and was only known to gang members and druggies. Horse fighting (which is illegal in most countries) was this and this is where her scars came in, from the fights. A fierce name was needed for this, and she was dubbed Itztli, meaning obsidian knife also in the Aztec language. As the hooves beat down on her, and the teeth sunk into her frame, each one left a painful memory.

As she kicked Coatl and the other handlers, as well as anyone who got in her way, Itztli found herself free of the fighting world all before ‘the big match’. Steering clear from other equines, as she didn’t want her learned behavior make her attack without warning, she only used her learned behavior only to wear off her predators; lions, and anything else that may attack her. Though it was better than the life she was used to, she was trying to find her true meaning in life. Maybe become famous with an owner that cared, and put her in fabulous shows that showed her true potential, and hopefully make wonderful foals with the correct stallion to hopefully lengthen the line of the brindle coloring, or to live forever in the wild, and join a herd that would help protect her, as she protected them. The “Obsidian Knife” was on her way.

[Wyndlily Sharphowl]

Tada...

A first glance predicted little potential for much more than the slaughterhouse. The mare’s neglected bay coat, tangled ebony mane, and sharp, exposed ribcage concealed her true beauty. Her black eyes were like magnets, dragging any living souls into a golden-brown chasm of torment, malice and anguish. Scars, some pink and others faded, dwelled upon a once wholesome coat-- the most noticeable of all being a sharp, craggy streak across her right eye, distorting her vision.

To say this Akhal-Teke mare was battered would be an understatement. Yet, beneath the dirt and the scars, she possessed a unique coloration and a subtle, refined build, two things her tormentors could not take from her. Thin silver stripes stretched across her back and down her sides, like the residue of acid rain, to give her an incredibly rare, but stunning brindle coloration.

This mare was born in the desert, at the stables of the wealthiest, most well known man in the entire Zapotec region. Her birth was celebrated; her rare coloration considered a gift from the gods. She was christened Itztli, which meant “obsidian knife” in the native language. But little did old Matlal know, his prized filly was being watched. Shortly after the filly was weaned, she was snatched from the yearling herd while the watchman slept by a horse-dealer known only as ‘Snake’.

Snake found the filly’s fierce name fitting for the job he wanted her to perform. As the leader of an underground horse fighting ring, it was his job to provide interesting fighters for the gang members and drug dealers to gamble on. A horse with such a unique coloration, from noble blood, would surely intrigue his clients. For months, Snake and his cronies subjected Itztli to harsh beatings and attacks from other horses, all in the name of “training”. As the hooves beat down on her, and the teeth sunk into her frame, each one left a painful memory.

As the bids were placed for her debut fight, she knew she must escape, even if it meant her life. While being led from a holding pen to the makeshift arena, the mare reared upon her hind legs, then kicked violently at Snake and the other handlers. After a brief struggle, Itztli found she was free of the fighting world just in time.

Free from the bipeds who treated her so terribly, she found herself alone in the desert. Her training in self-defense aided her greatly against the predators that pursued her. Yet, her lack of socialization left her nervous and afraid, and the herds of wild horses avoided her, sensing that she was not quite like them. Lost and confused, Itztli desired nothing more than to find a place where she belonged. Though she knew not where she was destined, the “Obsidian Knife” was on her way.